How I got everything I ever wanted and lost complete control of my life.

I am sitting at my own desk, at the ground floor of a rapidly growing start up, getting paid far too much to do easy daily tasks…and I am losing my mind.

A year ago, this is all I ever wanted. I was working my ass off everday to try and have this life that seemed so unatainable, I was taking on extra classes so I could graduate early, I was taking on multiple internships at a time, I was spending every free minute researching and trying to find out the secret to what it takes to get ahead… and then I got it.

Everyone warned me that I would miss college if I graduated early, and I didn’t doubt them, but this constant undying need to succeed and surpass my peers overcame any skepticism I had about thrusting myself into the post-grad corporate world.

Now just to be clear – this was not the life I had in mind a few years ago. I never wanted an office job. The idea of sitting at a desk and staring at a computer for eight hours a day was far what I considered desirable or glamourous. But as I pursued my degree and became more familiar with what a job looked like in my field, that became the only option.

I shot for what was realistic rather than what I really wanted to do… and now I am stuck.

Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly lucky to have this job and I know how awesome it is for someone who just graduated from college, but I, like many other new grads, seriously fucked up. And I am freaking out.

Working 9 – 5 sucks. And maybe it’s just because this is my only experience doing it, but that is a shit ton of your day, which turns into a shit ton of your week, which turns into a shit ton of your life. Some days are better than others, but for the most part I feel like I am being completely absorbed by my job.

The worst part of this whole thing is when you take a second to step back and you realize that this is your life, and for the forseeable future, this is your whole life. And if I dont do something to change it, it is never changing.

So I guess what I’m really pissed about is, why didn’t everything I ever wanted turn into what I thought it would? And what exactly did I think I wanted? How did the life I had pictured differ so differently from this one?

And how the hell do I fix it.


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